Renee Machel's tips for reducing gift-giving anxiety
Expectations. Disappointments. Gratitude. Surprise.
Have you ever experienced one of the following scenarios?
Childhood- whether that be in real life or through cultural influences, either way, you were excited when you saw that wow factor on Christmas morning. To whatever extent that is, to whatever depth the presents flowed or to the size of the packages, underneath, hiding in, exploding out of and around the tree and living room. SAAAAAANTA Came!!! RIGHT?
Parent(s) who created the illusion of a “big” Christmas by putting things in bigger boxes, balancing the price of the gifts, the amount per human, and the animals in the room…
You as a youngster may have been mildly disappointed when opening a BIG box with something physically small inside, even if it was expensive, but you may not have voiced it or understood it even, perhaps you did voice it (which, well, to be honest, we all probably did at some point- right?) or we wore the look on our faces or in our body language, pouting, our poor attitudes even if our respect and manners kept our verbal outbursts at bay but we certainly, in some regard, at some point, have experienced disappointment after opening presents. *Ugh...clothes...thanks a heap coyote ugly* With that said, I have struggled with this even when I lived alone, there is a part of me that wants that same visual appeal that a family of four had for Christmas morning.
“I love it...”
What if you really could love it, instead of just half-heartedly?
Then there are gift exchange traditions.
More women than men exchange gifts as friends. When they do- immediately insecurity creeps in, we make efforts to lower one’s expectations- so somehow they...feel less special.. ??...YES.. I said less special, but it's true, right? We contradict the gift itself (that has the purpose of making a person feel special.)
You go out to dinner with your friend. You sit down, your gift next to you on the booth. She arrives, and she has her gift for you in her hand, rushing, she sits down across from you in the booth. Cold air wafting in behind her.
She proclaims “It’s just from X store and I didn’t wrap it” or
You both race out to the car after work, freezing and you say, “I wasn’t able to get gifts for all of the office staff, it’s just a few things” you send a box to your friend in another state all the while thinking “it’s not as thoughtful as I had hoped, why did I wait so long?)
BEFORE the person even lays eyes on the gift, sits down at the dinner table gets to her car, before the box is even in the mail!! and we do it to OURSELVES. When NO MATTER WHAT is inside the gift, your friend/coworker THOUGHT of YOU, and You- them. Time was spent on the gifts. Love was spent. Whether your 20 or 50 years old- I venture a bet that you have experienced this sort of anxiety, or still are. You may be in the same place in life or maybe your not, maybe your 20 and your friend or coworker is 50 and so the fear of money spent unequally consumes you.
Often these anxieties or worries begin at the start of the holiday season, or months before birthdays.
Here’s the practice that will change your life, the way you feel, think, speak, and act. The way you receive and give (without guilt or anxiety).
Mindful Gratitude. Be present. In the moment- appreciate the thought and the gesture, be open to offering the other person the space to feel and experience the same level of appreciation, thanks, enjoyment of the gift, or the gift of your time in the moment without gifts! The gift of being together. Be kind and gentle with yourself, those you surround yourself with and those whom you give gifts to. Gratitude has a unique emotional signature. You can FEEL it in your body. Gratitude is the response.
If you bring cookies to a gathering and immediately say “well, they aren’t homemade” instead of letting the gesturing being as it is- the fact that you brought cookies despite where they originated from-we say something about ourselves that we believe to be “not-enough.”
You aren’t alone, I am doing this very practice.
Step 1: Take notice of when you partake in these behaviors/thoughts. You may start with reflection before your awareness can catch it in the moment.
Step 2: Be in that space, (don’t run from it) become the witness without applying judgements to yourself. Take a moment, a breath, 3 breaths. Give yourself a chance to experience it intuitively. Choose to separate your ego for that moment and operate from a place deeper than that. Recognize the uncomfortable feeling you may have and be silent. Be conscious of the story (emotions, thoughts, behaviors) that make up any given situation. While it may seem easier to “opt-out” explaining yourself, defending yourself, because that is what we are really doing- even if there is no real need for the defense, as I said there hasn’t even been a reaction from the other person most times before we start spilling out egotistically driven explanations.
That is how you check your system and compare it to your true values. If you feel tension, I would suggest that your experience isn't in alignment with what truly matters to you.
Step 2a: Reflect on your value system, or establish it. Does the way I feel right now (anxiety, fear, worry) align with what truly matters most in my life at this point? What do I value? (this changes over the years) Love, growth, commitment, time, enjoying the company of my friend/ family, bonding/connection, enjoying the process of creating something from “nothing”. Have I taken the time to discover what my values are? What the principles for how I lead and show up in my life are, how I respond and receive what occurs in my life? What do I want to create in life? For more guidance in this area, Get MotiVETed has a whole course that includes a 40 page e-book with prompts, walking you through discovering these important north stars for your life.
Step 3: Realign accordingly, your thoughts, speech, and actions. "Thank you, you're welcome." It can be that simple. Apply gratitude. Use it as a tool to shift from anxiety to relief. You can even say to yourself "thank you, and you're welcome." Be kind to yourself just as you are to those you love.
Giving yourself credit, much due credit for doing this process. This is huge! You are living consciously. In this moment. You are living inspired. You are making a choice. Life is full of paradoxical moments that simply are. You are here, being here is enough. Appreciate the opportunity you have in front of you, to grow, to connect to oneself and to others. This is a practice, you will forget, and you will remember. This is your chance to practice leading your life from a place of wisdom.